OhGosh..

I just went trough the worst conversation of my life, and after I was done with it I felt the NEED to talk to a friend, just to be on the phone/person with them and cry, talk about what happened, get an advice, or just to... Get this feelings out, even if I'm usually a very reserve person when it comes to how I really (really is the key word) feel.  Yes, I know it's 3:00am, but  friends are "always" there for you, am I wrong? I mean, if somebody called me at 3am, yes I'll be sleepy as hell, but that they take the time to call me because they need somebody to talk to, will change that in a heart beat, because I treat others the way I'd like to be treated.

The biggest problem I have is that I always put others over me, they are always first, even if I always deny it, I will stop doing what I am doing to help them, but at the end there is nobody there for me. Tonight could be the perfect example of it.

If you know me in person, you might think this is hard to believe (that I have no "real" friend) because of how social I am, and how outgoing I act, well, let me tell you, one thing is who is there to go hang out with you, laugh with you or say hi to you, another complete different thing is who will be there for you all the time, a friend, who knows you better than everyone else, who you can't lie to because they know better and sadly for me, I only get "buddys" not "friends" and maybe is not their fault, maybe it's my fault, maybe I am fake because I wont show who I am, I will mold myself THEIR way, I will try to make them feel comfortable over me; maybe I need to change first before asking others to change...

Besides the conversation I just had, there is another reason why I am blogging this late, no, not because I get a grade for blogging, no it's not because this releases stress, and NO it's no because I have nothing better to do... JERK :). It's because of one of my classmate's blog, Erika Williams, since day 1 I noticed her, she looks kind of quiet was the first thing I thought about her, and she was just there, focus, serious, just there, (not in a creepy way though), I thought we had nothing in common even before speaking to her (so far I still haven't), but then, when we started this blogs, hers just caught me, I realized we kind of think alike sometimes, and today I saw the last thing she posted and it is the perfect definition of how I been feeling all day, and even more after the conversation I mention before. Her post is named: "lkdshglasndglanbdslogh!" creative huh? (: , anyways, on it she talks about how you can care about someone but they just be doing their all thing (not sure if you get what I mean), she talks about how people be fake now days, and to resume I just agree with every single word she said in that post, it's the same thing that is happening to me, it shows how being "nice" wont get you "nice" back, it shows how we ALL make mistakes but yet when WE do it, others judge like they never do. But the key part is when she mentions -TRUST- that 5 letters word, everybody knows what it means but few really follow. I personally have LOTS of trust issues with people, I learned the hard way, but at the same time, being like this make me push away people who care, so anyways I end up EMPTY, and I don't know... I don't feel like writing about this anymore, because I feel like I am trying to MAKE you believe my point, but at the end I know you wont give a fck (I curse a lot, sorry if that offends you), you will have your own point of view out of this, it might be similar, it might be completely different of mine, but it will never be the exact same...

Oh by the way, ERIKA, if you reading this, somehow let me know, I wanted to comment your post but blogger is being stupid (It's probably that I don't get it :P), I would tell you in class, but I be too sleepy in the mornings :).

Ps; We should hang sometime.